For several years Ella and I were active
members of Adoption and Fostering in the UK forum (now, sadly and
controversially, closed down) founded and run by “Honey”. We posted 850 times
to the different sub groups – that is about 5 times a week for over 3 years –
but Ella thought, and I agreed, that once Alice and Nicola had been born it was
time for a break.
As Ella said at the time - “It
was when I was changing Nicola. I suddenly thought I’m a young mum now. Not
something else from long ago.”
In August 2013 we let the other members of
the forum know about our plans, “Ella and
I will be leaving this group, at least for a few months. We both now think of
ourselves as “young mums” now rather than as “Children’s Home Survivors” and
much of what we post, or would like to post, isn’t really appropriate for the
forum. We will always be incredibly grateful for the support that we have been
offered by you lot over the last 3 years and we hope that our nearly 850 posts
have done something to keep the forum an active and interesting place to
visit!”
The first few weeks away were a bit difficult especially when most of our
older posts were deleted without any warning within days of our departure but
we were strong willed and stayed away! There would have been a time when we
would have thrown a real strop at the way “Honey” (the forum owner) behaved but
having Nicola and Alice has changed how we look at the world. As part of the
big picture – our lives plus those of all our friends – what happens on one
small forum really isn’t that big a deal.
In July 2014 the entire forum was suddenly
shut down. I wasn’t entirely surprised because I was never convinced that the
mass deletion of posts that had proceeded a, pretty much non-existent re-launch,
was a sensible strategy. “Honey’s” absolute failure to acknowledge her
responsibility for the decline of the group was another bad sign. From emails I
received after the forum closed down I certainly wasn’t alone in my views. Closure
was down to the co-moderators doing too little to see the forum through the
quiet spells that such all groups experience. If a new subscriber posts to a
forum nothing is worse than not receiving a reply. It creates a very negative
impression of the group and few new members would bother to post a second time
if their first effort was ignored.
Jam Tart was a
subscriber to “Honey’s” forum. His own parents had been long-term foster
parents so he didn’t have many illusions about the realities of being a foster
child. His daughter also used to stay in touch with us by email but neither of
them subscribed to our newsletter. One time he posted something about us to the
forum board.
“When I
arrived home from school yesterday I got a shock when I opened the front door.
There were two unknown babies sitting in the hall and lots of female laughter
coming from the lounge. It was Eve and Ella plus the babies Nicola and Alice
who had come to visit my student daughter (E+E having also seen other friends
in and around Montgomery and the England/Wales border). I was a pity that they
had to set off home before my wife returned from Wolverhampton.
The babies are lovely but they call every man they see "Dad, Dad, Dad" which is enough to start wild rumours in rural Wales!”
Jam Tart was very kind and reassuring when we
decided to leave the forum and his prediction about the future of the forum was
absolutely accurate. Not long afterwards he was banned by “Honey” for daring to
criticise her!
For the avoidance of doubt – as my Head
Teacher is fond of saying – I still admire and respect “Honey” for all the work
she did in the fields of adoption and fostering. But the way she shut down the
group rather than just passing it on to one of the people who offered to take
over was selfish and mean.
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