Monday, 14 July 2014

First love - first loss

I know that it is a rather traditional way to start a story but I am telling you the truth when I say that Magda was my first proper girl friend. Sure enough there had been a couple of short lived relationships that lasted a few weeks but to me Magda was the real thing. We were together for almost exactly two years and these were the best two years in what hasn't been a over-happy life.

When you are a foster child happiness can be hard to find. The sense of having no roots and no family history to share with friends and co-workers and the, sometimes overwhelming, sense of loneliness can almost unendurable.

My closest friends Eve and Ella have already described the broad-brush details of what went wrong in an earlier blog entry. It has been a tumultuous six months and not a time that I will ever forget. Indeed early 2014 is right up there in the "Didi nastiness scale" with when I was taken away from my birth parents and placed in foster care. Yes, it has been that bad!

Flying solo having once had a co-pilot isn't much fun. I have felt surrounded by grey clouds for much of the time and I've been aware, all too painfully aware, that I have been a source of much worry to my friends and foster parents alike. Believe me that wasn't through my own choice!

Do I think that Magda and I have a future? Deep, deep down in that little nugget of my brain labelled reality the answer has to be no. Magda's emotional roots and so much of what makes her who she is lie in Norway - the country of her birth. England was never her home, it was the place where she lived which is something rather different. After the break-up and her return to the parental nest we did discuss me moving to Norway to be with her. But it was always just words, not deeds. The hard fact and the one we could never find a way round was that I do not want to leave my friends,  my job and the safe familiarity of England to move overseas.

So that is the end of the story. They say that you never forget your first true love and I hope that I never forget Magda

Didi (Monday 14th July 2014)

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